The Dragon

Dear R,

I hope someday you look at me as an older sister who went before you and fought the dragon for your sake. Not to kill it–don’t we all have our own demons to kill?–but to wear it down enough that you could.

Sailing

Dear God,

I feel sad right now. I talked to Ivy and she told me a story. She went on this whaling trip out to sea. A lot of people on the trip were–brace Yourself; her words–“vomiting everywhere.” That…made me really sad. Is that okay?

I feel like people should be able to go out to sea. Like, that should be a thing people can do without giving up their dignity and health. But apparently it’s not. That…ugh, I just really don’t know how else to say this. That makes me really sad. Is it stupid that it makes me really sad?

When I was a kid, people were always telling me that I could grow up to be anything I wanted. That was The Thing to tell kids. But apparently I can’t grow up to go to sea without tossing my dignity and health away. (Well, I don’t actually know about me in particular; I’ve never been sailing. But let’s use me as an example. More poignant that way.)

I feel like this is bad. I feel like I should get to enjoy sailing if I want to. And I feel like I should want to; it seems like a good thing to do. You made whales to be seen, right? Presumably from a boat in their natural habitat?

And yet I wonder. Apparently a lot of people get sick on boats–I never realized the extent but I’ve done some research. About a third of people throw up even in calm seas. Most of them can’t get over it for days, and don’t build tolerance over time. Let’s say that I’m one of the worst cases.

I want to believe that this is a little bit tragic. A lot a bit tragic. I really want to believe that. I want You to look at me from heaven itself and feel sadness because I have to choose between dignity and the ocean! I want to go places that make people sick and not get sick. I want everybody to go those places and not get sick! (But not as much as I want to go there myself. What can I say? I’m self-centered.) I want us to go those places and I want that to be…good. I want You to like it.

And I don’t know if You would. You say there will be no sickness someday. But there’s no seasickness today if we just don’t go to sea. So, umm…do I just not belong on the water? Is that okay with You? Do You like that I don’t go places I want to go?

Let’s be frank: I think Ivy likes that. I think Ivy enjoys going to sea where other people get sick. And I think she likes that other people get sick. She likes that they don’t seem to belong.

So whose side are You on, God? Ivy’s side or my side? Maybe I shouldn’t put it like that. But I want to know! Please tell me.

…Well, God, I guess that’s pretty much it for now. Please come back and fix everything so I don’t have to miss You anymore. Please take care of me and my loved ones and I guess all the other randos who also exist. And please let everybody in the whole wide world go sailing with dignity someday soon. Randos included.

Amen in Christ’s name.

Rest

God rest your soul, Cory.

I know you’re not dead, but you need to chill.

Conscience

Hello conscience, my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again…

If I eat a lot of salad, will you let me be mean to my sister?

Awkward Stories

Popular people have horrifyingly awkward stories too. They just don’t talk about them. This isn’t just out of shame. It’s also because they don’t identify with these stories, and therefore don’t think they’re relevant to conversation the way that meaningful facts about themselves are.

Frenemy

Today an old frenemy greeted me, “Hey, long time, no annoy.” I am very happy.

Sticks

Do I worry that machines will take our jobs? Sure, all the time. But also, people have been worrying about that since we started using sticks to hit things instead of just, you know, our arms.

I can see it now in my mind: an old cave man walks away from the young cave men in disgust. They’ve started chasing wild beasts with pointy sticks! Pathetic. Real cave men use their fingernails! He comes home to see his son poking the fire with a stick. Augh! It’s in the home now too!

Spatial Reasoning

My brother says that my spatial reasoning skills could fit on the head of a pin. What a complement! I’m so glad he thinks I’m so skilled!

By and Large

Dear Rose friends,

I miss you all the time and every day. I wish I’d done better by you. But I know I did good, by and large. That makes me happy.

So Much Better for You

Dear Lavender,

I don’t know why things worked out so much better for you. Why you got the good reputation and I was left reading fairytales about loss. I tell myself not to be jealous.

You also tell me not to be jealous. That doesn’t help, stupid.

You know, you really have no social skills when it comes to dealing with me. For a long time, I thought the problem was on my end. But now I’ve decided that it’s at least a fifty-fifty split. Maybe even mostly your fault.

It’s okay as of today, though. Not because I’ve forgiven you. But because of this:

I just keyed your car!

Ha! Sucker!

You totally deserve it. You never paid attention to me. Now I’m leaving and you’ll still never pay attention to me because I’ll be gone. But your car will be ugly, and that’s what counts.

Where will I go? Somewhere that doesn’t have you in it, I guess. Probably somewhere less nice than the place that has you in it.

Man, Lavender, I’ll really miss you.

I hope you miss me someday soon.